‘My Spouse Needs To Change’

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In the quest to fix your relationship, a lot of challenges may come; your spouse may totally resent the idea of doing things the way you want, giving excuses why he/she feels your suggestions may not be favourable or even applicable to the union.

The shock you suffer from this resentment  is enough to discourage the good plans you would have been nursing for your relationship right from youth.

Why do we desire change in our spouse?

Why do people resist change?

These two questions form the basis of our consideration of change as fundamental requirement in a relationship.

If you look closely at human nature, it is not change itself we resist; it is change that is imposed upon us. Think about it, we have no problem with change, but when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might.

Do we ever remember that we marry as adults? Why it is advised to marry at this point of our lives is because it is believed we would have gained a reasonable level of independence and responsibility. With this in mind, we are left with one option: accept that every adult believes he/she is on the right track and can take decisions for his/her life.

Have you noticed that it is much easier for you to train a puppy you just bought than try to make an old dog which grew up with another person learn your ways? This, in a way, would help you bear with your partner when there is little progress in the change you have been dreaming of and claiming.

I had read about an experience of a guy who wanted to marry a lady he met and fell in love with, but when he finally got to her parents, they insisted he changed his religion if he really wanted to take their daughter as a wife. The guy’s parents were worried about this condition and later developed hatred for the parents in-law-to be, asking their son to look elsewhere for a partner. Unfortunately, their son refused to adhere, leaving them more confused.

When the pressure got too much, the guy had to talk to his parents, assuring them he knew what he was doing and will try his best not to disappoint them. His parents had no choice but join him in preparing for the wedding ceremony.

After the marriage, the bride and her family had the surprise of their lives as their son in-law openly declared he was no longer interested in the forced religion they introduced him to. It was now a question of their daughter’s emotion/welfare versus religion.

Finally, her parents realised they could not ruin their child’s future because of religion and as such, left both to remain married.

The issue here is not that of religion or deception, but a clear pointer to the fact that a man can only change when he wants to. How much and for how long would you cajole a full grown man/woman?

I promise you, your spouse will decide to change when he/she is ready to and not one second before and the more you push, urge, ask and scream at them, the less likely they are to change.

Sometimes, arranging someone to talk to your spouse could be of no use at all. A woman once told me how she pressured the husband to come and see the pastor to settle their misunderstanding. Reluctantly, the man yielded after much threat and blackmail.

“As we approached the pastor’s house, we thought we were hearing hysterical screams until we got close and confirmed that the man of God was actually bullying his wife and dishing serious punches on her,” she narrated.

The husband of the woman who went to see him (pastor) turned to the wife and whispered, “aren’t you a lucky chap? At least, I have never laid my hands on you.”

Now answer for yourself, will that man ever believe someone could help his marriage? Ironically, it was the woman who learnt a greater lesson and told the husband to forgive her for being selfish, after all, even the pastor also quarrels with his wife and never mentioned to anyone she was bad neither did the wife mention in the women’s meeting that she’s been beaten by he husband.

There are several other people like this around you, so be careful with that advice you are getting from a friend. Are you sure he/she is not jealous of your relationship and wants to frustrate you? Try it, just step out of that marriage and see if he/she would not be the first to take over your lover. Yes, I’m talking from experience. I have handled so many of such cases and I encourage people not to be overtaken by gossips filtered into their ears by ‘concerned brethren.’

A great percentage of couples experience some degree of  how  do I get my spouse to change? syndrome. Or is there any one who pleads not guilty? Of course, we are all trapped but the wise ones find a subtle way of doing this instead of nagging, complaining or making the other partner feel worthless in the relationship.

Most people ask; how do I get my spouse to talk to me more, lose weight, help with house chores, like sex, be spiritual, stop hanging out with bad friends, etc.

To say that your spouse needs to change is not a bad idea, but you must bear the following salient points in mind:

•Showing love to him/her despite the weakness or flaws could work wonders. Stop playing the ‘head teacher/headmistress’ for once and let there be freedom.

•Correct in love, bearing in mind that you are not perfect, or are you?

•Never forget that you are seeing those weaknesses because you are staying together for weeks, months and years. It is not like when you just arranged a date and the other party is well packaged and mannered to please you. The same person you think is so prim and proper may offer a different aroma when faced by the pressure of marriage.

It is possible to focus on the weakness or imperfection of our spouse, ignoring our own side of the deal in making things work. We brood, only if our spouse would change his/her behaviour, there would be peace, joy and more love in the relationship. This makes us put fruitless effort trying to change the other person and totally overlooking whether we have anything to do with their horrendous behaviour.

The last thing that could ever occur to us is making effort to change our ways. How are you sure the problem lies with your partner? Search yourself and see how you can be a better person or even make moves to help your lover’s weakness, after all, love is all about sharing.