Problem Areas In Marriage

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Many couples fall in love, marry and assume that the job is completed. They tend to feel that everything else will work out automatically, but hardly anything could be further from the truth. A successful marriage does not come spontaneously or by chance. Instead, a happy marriage—the complete marriage—involves two people working out small difficulties as well as the big ones.

Plato used a ladder to illustrate growth in the marriage relationship. The two upright sides of the ladder stand for husband and wife and inseparable companionship. The lowest rung is physical attraction, while the highest rung, pure love for God. Each rung of the ladder depends on the other rungs and thus all become important in order to maintain the unity of the ladder of good marriage.

Someone has defined marriage as “the total commitment of the total person for a total way of life.” Such a definition assumes that a couple will work towards goals that they had in mind when they married. To marry for convenience, to escape from a bad home situation or raising children, is an adequate goal of a successful marriage.

The responsibility of making the marriage work rests solely on both couple and this journey begins with knowing what the likely problem areas are.

Making a commitment to identify the peculiar challenges of a relationship spells success in some way.

Although we have come to agree that all relationships are not and cannot be the same, there is, however, a need to note some common problem areas when lovers unite to share their lives in marriage. These are:

• Finances: Haven’t you heard of the saying that “the love of money is the root of all evils?” Money or the use of money is a serious decision area in the home. It is difficult to commit your hard earned income to the hands of an extravagant spouse who feels it is his/her right to spend your money at will. Most husbands require accurate account of their wives on money given for the home, this, I tell you, is not a good task for the woman as she complains and sighs at the very thought of it, while the man at the other end feels he is trying to rescue his pocket.
I was wondering why men suspect their partners use housekeeping allowance to buy ornaments, meet the needs of parents and family members, etc., but now, there is clear evidence that since these things are not ‘legally’ budgeted for, they still have to be done anyway. Now tell me, who should provide for the woman’s needs? There is no right or wrong answer to this question, but all I can say is, it depends on your previous arrangement before marriage. You can now see the need to talk and plan your life before starting the home. Rules and roles should be made clear from the beginning. There is nothing wrong in both husband and wife earning income for the home, but if your priority goes to something else, you can still agree, spend the income of one person wisely and be happy. The most important point about finance is not necessarily the amount, but being prudent with it.

• Sexual relationship: As a counsellor, I have come to realise that 80 per cent of marital problems originate from the bedroom. What is interesting to note about  this point is the fact that couples easily deny any association with it as the cause of their misunderstanding. One of the ways I identify this is when the husband is asked how the wife has offended him, he quickly turns the question to the woman, ‘ask her’ and when it is the woman’s turn to express her hurt, she also says ‘ask him.’ Without further questions, I change strategy and make them open up.
For whatever reasons best known to the creator, sex in marriage was initiated as an intimate fellowship for couples and when the rules are tampered with either through infidelity, selfishness, unnecessary excuses, lack of care or negligence, the result is simply devastating.
Now that we know how sensitive and important this aspect of marriage is, what will hinder us from making the best of the opportunity to be married to our loved ones? There are a thousand and one instances I can confidently give of how sex destroyed homes, but let’s reserve that for another day.
It should, however, be noted that sex is only for legally married partners. Wha I have to say about those who sleep around with members of the opposite sex for either pleasure or adventure is that they should stop and either wait for marriage (for those who are single), or concentrate on their spouses for those who are married but still engage in extramarital affairs.
An important part of marriage is the physical relationship between couples, both the demonstration of affection as well as sexual intimacy. Good to note also is the fact that problems in other parts of the marriage can affect the sexual relationship and likewise, sexual difficulties can create stress.

• Food: We all have heard elders say “the road to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Does this really mean that men are gluttons? I don’t think so, rather I know a man values the effort you put to prepare his meals. This makes him feel important to you and cared for. If men love food that much, they would have been sleeping in eateries, but do you notice that no matter what a responsible man eats outside, he still loves his wife’s cooking? So, when this area of your marriage is ‘sick,’ you are calling for trouble. Every man wants to be treated as a king in his own home.
If a man expects good food, he should be ready to bring out some good money as well. Did I balance the equation well? Oh yes, soup wey sweet na money kill am.

• Communication: Wouldn’t you be surprised if I don’t mention communication? Definitely, it is worth the attention. Everything in life revolves round your ability to communicate well. It has to do with how we talk to others, what we communicate verbally and non-verbally and most importantly, that you both understand the message.
Once your communication is sound, a greater percentage of your problem is solved. You need to understand and be understood as clear communication reduces misunderstanding.
Other problem areas include; in-laws, how to spend time, religion, parenting, friends, etc.
No matter your area of challenges, be determined to make your marriage work and remember, there is no perfect marriage; we stay married by decision and it is this decision that can help you enjoy marriage.