Married To A Difficult Man

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How sweet is it for couples to dwell together in unity? Millions of people sharing roofs in the name of marriage are more of house/room mates than marriage partners and only a few can attest to real satisfaction in marriage. This suggests we have serious problems in our hands—the commitment to make it work.

A preacher of the gospels in Nigeria once made a statement that he does not remember when he ever quarrelled with his dear wife. Naturally, people criticised (I can even hear you sigh ‘na true’ as you are reading this) him and called him all sorts of names like liar, pretender, make-up artist, etc. But when I had the opportunity of read one of his books, I seemed to identify with his disposition and claims. Mind you, he never said his spouse does not offend him or vice versa, but his emphasis is on reaction.

I still remember vividly the illustration he used in the book: “If my wife’s soup mistakenly has too much salt, I consider it an act of love, she would have, in attempt to make the food tasteful for me, landed in that mistake. I see her mistakes as miscalculation of care.”

Come to think of it, what the man is saying makes a whole lot of sense as most of the things we complain and nag about were originally done in our favour only that it did not turn out well or why would a reasonable spouse derive pleasure in crushing the love of his/her life?

My husband once said something that touched my heart: “Any time there is a problem, bear it in mind that I have your interest at heart, even when I’m wrong, ask me first before you draw conclusions. Why would I want to hurt the only legal person that has been given for me to share the rest of my life?”

It is a horrible and devastating truth to realise you are a difficult husband. Does it mean that difficult husbands do not love their wives? No, I don’t think so because if they had chosen them from all the other women in the world, there must be something special about them, although some marriages are contracted for convenience and selfishness.

Only very few men can own up to the fact that they have been difficult to live with. Others feel they are just being men. A pastor once shared an experience of how he finished ministering in a church and a woman ran to him: “Oh, pastor, I wished I was married to a man like you. My husband is not a committed Christian like you, your wife must be living in heaven.” The pastor looked at her and replied: “Yes, it has only taken God to keep her on earth, she would have gone to heaven long before now, I mean she would have committed suicide long before now.” The woman did not understand what the pastor meant and the man went ahead: “I may be a good pastor but I’m a terrible husband. I hardly spend time with my family, I’m too busy to ask after the children’s school and games, when my wife is telling me about the things she needs in the home, I am flipping through the pages of my dairy to date my next appointment.” The man went on and on until it was almost turning to another sermon, although not a pleasant one this time around.

When he finally ended, the woman looked lost and confused, maybe trying to put her mind through the things she heard and relating it to her initial judgment of who a husband should be like. At last, she took a deep breath and sighed. The pastor then asked her in a sarcastic voice, “would you still want to marry a man like me?” She quickly shrugged her shoulder and screamed aloud, “God forbid. If I had married a man like you, I would have been in heaven by now.” Funny, isn’t it?

I am sure these men who have chosen to be difficult were not born so, circumstances would have moulded them into something else. These could be:

•Insecurity
•Hardship
•Lack of appreciation
•Heresies
•Fear of the unknown
•Self defence
•Misconception

If I may borrow the words of Morley, “not a few wives must live with difficult husbands. These men are browbeaters, manipulators, intimidators, whiners, pouters, grumps, abusers and neglectors. They may have a biting tongue that rarely responds. They lose their temper or withdraw from family life or both… the truest of whether a husband is difficult or not is to ask, ‘Is it chronic?’ After repeated attempts by his wife to correct, do the difficulties continue? Does he use anger or withdrawal as weapons on a daily basis?”

People believe that men who are on the quiet side of life are easier to get along with. But I want to say that difficult people can sometimes be verbal and at other times nonverbal. One man may prefer to yell at his wife while the other may just adopt the cold treatment approach, all of them still making life difficult for their spouses.

Most difficult men do not show it, once they step out of their houses, they seem to be nice and romantic with their wives hence, confusing friends.

A newly wed husband came to me and said something most of us would not want to say: “I cannot be jealous of anybody’s marriage, when I wasn’t married, I used to, but now, I know better. One Sunday morning, my wife and I just concluded a hot quarrel session, in fact, I was not sure she would still follow me to church. But as soon as we got to church, we behaved as if romance has been the order of the day. I’m sure whoever saw us would have gone home wounded and complaining about his/her spouse, meanwhile our quarrel continued immediately we got home.”

Does this, in any way, sound like somebody? Eh! You see, they are not alone.

Whatever your case, look at the possible causes of difficulty in marriage I have stated above, see the one you can help like appreciation. Express appreciation to him more often and tell him what he means to you. This may be all your husband is waiting to hear and change for the better.

Surprisingly, many would just not want to change. They are blinded by thought of selfishness and undue ego. If this happens to be your case, learn to cope, don’t let him pull you down and trample on the personality it has taken you a whole life to build.

Let me share something I read from Mike Litman with you. “As you are reading this, your life is getting shorter, fading, and ticking away. I’m not trying to frighten you or even scare you, though it may. I’m saying this because I care, I’m saying this to resuscitate you from your deep slumber, I’m saying this to prepare you because you won’t live forever, because you shouldn’t merely subsist, because you were born, much more, you were born to succeed, you were born to share your unique gifts, you were born to shine, brightly shine, remember, the clock is ticking, the world needs you, make your move, it’s later than you think.”

Why I took the pains to quote this long piece is to drive home the point that your life should not end because of a bad marriage you have found yourself in, there are a lot of other things you can still do and find fulfillment.