Sex Education

Statistics shows that about 40 per cent of our children are sexually abused before the age of sexual independence while some, out of curiosity, end up in sexual relationships totally unfit for them. As parents watch their children unfold in the artistic hand of the creator, one thing is evident: fear of the unknown.

We worry about their choice of friends, career, jobs, location, life partners and a host of others. Am I speaking the minds of several other people, if not all or am I alone in this disposition? Certainly, I can hear several murmurs in the affirmative, wishing they could do something to rescue this demanding situation.

Everybody seems to be curious about the issue of sex, no matter how old. For instance, a soft sell edition with an issue of sex scandal is very likely to sell much more than core news. Even you, when you buy those prints, where do you open to first? Oh! Stories of embezzlement and fraud are just by the way for members of organisations and some may not even want to hear about who takes what. But the moment you bring up issues about ‘office dates,’ you capture the attention of all, even though there is nothing to benefit from such idle talk.

When you buy a book on ‘relationships’ with chapters on knowing yourself, the challenges of marriage, money and its role in the home, sexuality and how to catch, keep and enjoy love, tell me the truth, where do you rush to first? The answer is simple and clear. This is not in any way an attempt to judge and grade such decisions in the negative, rather, it is a clear pointer to the established fact that an average human mind is curious about sex, its demands, involvement and contribution or destruction to the human race. But the irony of this whole stuff is our children don’t get to learn about sex from us the proper way.

How many parents have gathered in them the strength to tell their children about sex? Like it or not, if you don’t tell them, they will definitely get to know and most times, from the wrong sources and at your back, when you won’t be able to give direction on choices.

Some learn from friends who are as naive as they are but simply just want to show off, while others pick on unguarded comments of some movie stars and their expression of sexuality. Worse still, the danger of ‘old wife’s tale’ still finds its way to our children’s conception of sex.

Telling our children about sex will basically involve:

(a) Making friends with them: Issues of sex have some natural reactions—shyness, defence/denial and clear pretence. Sex education should not be the first and only private conversation you are having with your child, hence you will hit embarrassing rocks. The child needs to be convinced you are coming as a friend and not a dictator; to spell dos and don’ts. If you have been talking to your child about other things and also encouraging him/her to ask questions, the issue of sex will just be one of your numerous gists.

I had a seminar somewhere and a young lady got up and asked how she could hear God’s voice/direction on choosing a marriage partner. She was shocked at the answer I gave. I told her marriage will not be her starting point of hearing God, if she does not hear Him on other issues, she may not hear Him at marriage.

So you must have an ongoing conversational relationship with your child in other to be able to raise the issue of sex.

(b) Understanding their individual differences: We spend so much time at work trying to understand how to cope with our erratic bosses and uncivilised colleagues, but the teenage child back home is given third place. Then when we are exhausted and sleepy, we call the child to ask if there was enough food and drink during the day. Be very sure that the day you think you have something important to say, the child too will be up to somewhere unimaginable. Children are different despite the fact that you gave birth to them all. The earlier you learn about what makes one child different from the other and how to handle them, the better and easier for your life.

It should be noted that the approach of a shy child is or should be different from an extrovert and vice versa. A child’s personality conditions his/her response to issues and a wise parent will not want to ‘put the cart before the horse.’

(c) Finding the right time and atmosphere: Timing is very important if substantial success is to be achieved in talking with the teenage child. People found between this age brackets are basically very emotional and most often experience mood swings. Talking to the right person at the right time brings positive results. I think this is where most parents commit a lot of blunders, especially mothers (not out of wickedness though, sometimes out of anxiety).

A young girl ran to me in confusion trying to find out why the mother chose to disgrace her before her friend who visited. According to her, she was coming back from her day secondary school in the neighbourhood and as she entered the house and greeted the mother, she (the mother) suspended her conversation with her friend and gave her a stern look. As she made an attempt to proceed to her room, the mother called her back and yelled “say the truth, did you sleep with a man on your way from school?” Surprised, the young chap ignored her suspicions and kept talking, describing how rumpled her school uniform looked. Her visitor eventually got embarrassed and begged her to stop.

Now tell me, even if the girl had done anything funny, would she have said yes to her before that visitor? Some of us wound and tamper with our children’s pride, not minding they are also human. They may be young, yes, but they also want to be treated well.

I have noticed that even my young son (four years) resists me any time I shout at him in public, but goes any length with you once you use nice expressions like ‘please, thanks, good boy, sweetheart,’ etc.

(d) Right language: I know we all came from the background of colonial masters, but soft words, they say, turn away wrath. We grew up with people who found pleasure in intimidating and humiliating us. But now that we know better, our children should be better for it. You don’t need to harass a child to get information from him/her. You can imagine a mother trying to find out if her teenage son was sexually active and she said ‘each time you sleep, you hug and cuddle your pillow, is anything the matter?’ And the boy quickly said ‘nothing’ and switched off.

She felt ashamed and promised never to try talking to the boy again since he did not want her in his world. Later on, the boy went to his father and asked how on earth he was supposed to know what happened to him while in his unconscious state of sleep.

Most times, we end up confusing our children more than when we had not talked to them. At a point you begin to wonder if keeping off is not even better than some deadly information. I was told of an incidence where a mother told her growing daughter never to sleep with another man except her brother. The poor girl took to the advice hook, line and sinker. Her brother was the only person she ever found in the house and being just two of them, closeness was encouraged. The mother did not know that there is a time you separate a boy from a girl child. Until they attained maturity, their mother did not know that sexual relations transpired between them. When the girl was found with pregnancy, she simply pointed to the brother as the father of her unborn child, after all, her mother said she should not sleep with any other man apart from her brother.

But in earnest, that was not what the mother meant, she bluntly misunderstood her or rather, the message was not clear enough to her. Some parents even lie to their children that the day a man touches them, they will get pregnant. This and many other lies told for the sake of making children stay off sex, is not necessary at all.

Seven Truths About Sex:

•It is natural

•Every normal mature adult experiences sexual urge depending on personality, but generally, it is more common and frequent in men.

•Comes with responsibility.

•Carries guilt when done wrongly i.e. outside wedlock.

•A tool for procreation.

•Spreads diseases.

•Not worth dying for.

Seven Lies About Sex:

•You cannot do without it.

•Makes you healthy.

•Prepares you for marriage.

•It is the only proof of love.

•Use it to keep your lover.

•I will stop after one more time.

•You can play safe.

NB: There is nothing like playing safe in premarital/extramarital sex as there is always a price to pay. Sometimes, it even involves life/lives. Abstinence works, there is integrity in self control.